Given the state of general crankiness that's been looming over our
little virtual circle lately, like the summer fog over the Outer
Sunset here in SF, I offer the following, in the service and support
of sustainable agriculture. Humor promotes soil health.
Make my day, someone--demand my peer-reviewed citations. :^>
May these increase the EVMGSQ (Experimentally Verifiable Mean Good
Spirits Quotient) of those who read them.
Some of these are earthy, so those with snootier (dis-embodied,
un-soiled) humor muses should hit the delete key now and go back to
chuckling at the restrained witticisms of George Will or the cynical
snipings of Maureen Dowd.
> The following definitions are from the Washington Post Style
> Invitational (a weekly contest for readers). The idea of this
> one is simply to redefine words from the dictionary - no added
> or changed letters.
> Abdicate - v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
> Carcinoma - n. A valley in California, notable for its heavy smog.
> Esplanade - v., to attempt an explanation while drunk.
> Willy-nilly - adj., impotent.
> Flabbergasted - adj., appalled over how much weight you have gained.
> Negligent - adj., describes a condition in which you
>absent-mindedly answer the door in your nightie.
> Lymph - v. To walk with a lisp.
> Gargoyle - n., an olive-flavored mouthwash.
> Bustard - n., a very rude Metrobus driver.
> Coffee - n., a person who is coughed upon.
> Flatulence - n., the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you
>are run over by a steamroller.
> Balderdash - n., a rapidly receding hairline.
> Semantics - n., pranks conducted by young men studying for the
>priesthood, including such things as gluing the pages of the
>priest's prayer book together just before vespers.
> Rectitude - n., the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a
>proctologist immediately before he examines you.
> Marionettes - n., residents of Washington D.C. who have been
>jerked around by the mayor.
> Oyster - n., a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish
> Circumvent - n., the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
> The Washington Post's "Style Invitational" asked readers to
> take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding,
> subtracting or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
> Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
> Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of
> Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high. . .
> Tatyr: A lecherous Mr. Potato Head.
> Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the
>recipient who doesn't get it.
> Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
> Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
> Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.
> Burglesque: A poorly planned break-in. (See: Watergate)
> Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these
>really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and
>it's like a serious bummer.
> Glibido: All talk and no action.
> Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when
>they come at you rapidly.
> Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which
>lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
Center for Integrated Ag Systems, UW-Madison
UW voice mail: 608-262-8018
Home office: 415-504-6474 (504-MISH)
Home office fax: Same as above, phone first for enabling
This is a mystery, and I don't like mysteries. They give me a bellyache,
and I've got a beauty right now. --Capt. James T. Kirk
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